Valentine’s 2021

Hi my love,

It has been long since I wrote to you. To be honest, I almost wanted to forget about you since it seemed that you were not coming any sooner. And this silent Sunday night happened to be the same day Valentine’s is celebrated, so I just wanted to write to you and tell you things I have no one to talk about now.

I cried heaps today, which is weird because I thought I was over with this feeling of loneliness after what – 7 years of waiting for you. It seems that I am not, but what overwhelmed me immensely today is thinking if I could ever go through fully knowing someone and being fully known as well to the deep of my soul. To the extent that I would embrace your scars, and you embracing mine and risking to see if we can work through it and eventually promise before God to embrace each other forever.

I do not have the most ideal life you may have wanted me to have. I still have a family to support, and this topic alone has a gazillion issues that come with it. I love my family greatly, but would you love me greatly too to love them as your own? Would you really be someone who is strong to embrace even these not so beautiful sides of me? Would it be fair to do that to you? Or would it really be fit to stay alone until this come to pass? Will this even come to pass? Do I “deserve” to be loved by then? Or would you see me deserving of your love even now? These are questions in my head that keep me crying along with the question whether you could even be real. If I could even ask for you when I am still in a situation like this.

I know that God is good and is able to do anything, even to make you and I meet even right now. But I am not so sure if I want to drag you into this moment. My selfishness could get me and wish instantly for you to be here. If you are the leader I am praying for you to be, you would surely have the right words, and just the right verses that I need to encourage me. I guess I just miss you today and it would be nice if I could get you to pray for me, but I guess I’ll do with today’s silent cries and whispers to God as I leave this trace that on Valentine’s day today, I kept asking God for you stronger than the other days.

I wish it could be the usual me with heightened hopes when I write letters to you, but I want to be raw and unfiltered in this letter. Today screamed of love, and babies, letters, and flowers everywhere but my today is quiet as ever, alone with God, with these thoughts, wondering if I need to be any more patient in the wait.

Still hanging on,
Your love

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